I'm on a business trip and need some serious advice before it's over�?

So i am in cuba for 5 days workin on this case for work ... my sis rhonda and friends decided to tag along for some loco loco fun.. For the first few days obviously i had to drift off on my own cause i gotsta search for the endangered species of the Eguan Sholt deep within the cadaverned palm forest. As i walked into the forest i can sense danger... i saw something beyond my belief.. it was a small figget the size of a cashew peanut but as i look carefully it was a human cut-off toe. It was an omen i thought... but i kept walking anyways... i reached a bit further and saw a skeleton... it was a skull the size of a fist. I walked in further to see a sign that said "this way" and ran into a man with long beard. He claimed to be dumbledore from harry pottter and came here through a vortex of an ogres belly on. He was wet cause of the "jelly belly". He told me he would tell me where to find the eguan sholt but it was a secret and i had to promise him to keep it a secret or else he would turn me into a piece of leg hair on morris the valients leg. Oh dera john me, i do not want to be a leg hair. He told me i had to go through 3 tasks to get the scroll of map where to find the eguan. So the first day was the first task and i had to go for a swim with a fat bald guy.. i walked to the beach and invited this chunka chunka haggis loada guy to go for a dip with me in the ocean. He agreed of course and while we were far ashore he randomly stood there. I was like, yoo you ok and hes like ya but i gots an emergency to do and were too far ashore.. i was likke ok what can ido to help? hes like just swim away and dont come back till i tell u or turn around. I swam away and 5 mins later i swam back to see if he was ok. I swam behind him and saw with lordy doo that it was a nasty nasty sight. He had took off his swimmy trunks and his bare@$$ was shown as mushy mushy brown piece of loaft cames out. I was like nasty... i swam away pretending i never saw... so i came back ashore and dumbledore was there,, he said i finished the 1st task and tmrw is the nxt one. The next day i was prepared for w/e task it was. The task was to loader up a bag of horse-radishes mixed with foot odour and put it on the chair of the manager in a 5-star hotel's seat. I didnt know where to get foot odour so i decided to call back that old bald guy from yesterday and asked to wash his feet. I washed and scrapped off the pus infections and warts of mold and put it in the bag. Then i walked in to the hotel and managed to get into the manager seat and placed it there.. i vined out like tarzan and george of the jungle. Dumbledore showed up and said tmrw is the final task taht is far difficult then anything u can dream of. I was worried. The next day i had to climb a mountain called sierra del rosario and meet up with an old guy. As i walked up the mountain there were odd trails leading me there.. it was rabbit and human stool .. i made my own trail of raisins.. i reached up the mountain and saw an old man.. he had 10 billy goats and was sitting on a rock milkin them with his bare feet! he poured some in a cup and offered me some.. i was like heeeeellll no bud it was from a goats nipps and touched ur heels. he said it has vital nutrition that supplies you with determination and success.. i said alright and drank it. it tasted of rotten milk mixed in a dirty sock. Dumbledore showed up and said congratz for the final task completion.. he handed me a scroll and i bowed to them and headed off. once i got to land i read the map and it said to go to a palm tree near the tehetan hut. when i got there my fam and friends were there, i started diggin for gold as they watch in confusion. i kept diggin and diggin till i found something. it was a pile of dog feces larger than life. I was tricked by an old hag. I decided to be a detective like csi and find my own way to the eguan sholt since i had 2 days left of this darned business trip ... im still on my forth day as i write this now and shall tell u wonderful ppl that want to know, what ma vaca was like the last 2 days. do u think its hopeless to complete this ignment?